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control is all i need Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "ana_v_mia" journal:

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August 12th, 2015
07:15 pm

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Time for change

OK, so it's time to sort my life out really. I'm 23 and a bit lost. I have goals in mind, but now need to put them into action. I need to stop depending on others for help & motivation, and start to get a bit of control over myself - things will only happen if you make them.

I am starting a new diet/ exercise plan on monday - and when I say diet, I mean healthy, proper food , little and often. Yeah I might put weight on to start with - but what Im doing now IS slowly killing myself ... and life is too short as it is.

It's gonna be a bumpy road and I am a bit worried of fucking it up, but if I do, I know I have the right people around me to help me get back on track.

Goodbye bulimia... or whatever it bloody is x

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August 10th, 2015
12:01 pm

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9 stone exactly.

Look so disgusting, but at least the numbers are now starting to move in the right direction. x


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August 8th, 2015
09:55 pm

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wow things are bad right now

so whilst i remember, my weight has recently gone up to 9.8 stone, but today is 9.3.

Hitting a real low at the minute, like I don't even see the point in anything anymore. I have no job, possibly no horse if he is sold this week, and potentially could be losing my home, all because I house share with tramps who are looking for trouble.

Haven't had laxatives for about 2 weeks, but was sick the other night. came very close tonight but walked away.

I am just so lonely. I want to be around people having a laugh, I want to know my goals and need to sort my life out and don't reall know where to start. I can see why people turn to alcohol I'm happy when i'm pissed.

x

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July 15th, 2015
10:50 pm

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Day one of recovery.. not the best of starts. Feel very stuffed and a bit adgitated. weigh 9 stone exactly. Trying to keep busy so i don't think about it too much. but here's to getting fat!

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May 10th, 2015
08:10 pm

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song writng ramblingsss

alone in a room full of people

lost in a familiar place

mind's endlessly drifting

staring into space

awake til the early hours

the night then rolls into the day

should be out there living life,

not shutting yourself away.

blue in a room full of colour

surrounded by guilt and shame

trapped in the maze of your mind

don't want to play the game


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May 5th, 2015
12:34 am

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2015 - age 23

So it's yet again been a while. since my last post i have worked for 5 months on a show jumping yard, where i now live - however it didn't really work out, so i've decided to make my handmade cards a full time business, and have also started making candles aswell. i'd say up until recently i'd been eating ok.. well not ok .. but chocolate and crap and being normal with it (no purging / exercising etc).

At the miute i shouldn't really be complaining. I live in a lovely place, with a lovely girl hannah next door who i get on really well with (unfortunately she's leaving in a few weeks to go travelling). Rent is quite cheap, my little bugger of a horse Jack is going well and we're going out jumping next week (feel like we're getting back on track after my loss of confidence last year).

I now have singing lessons and sing at a recording studio every week which i love every minute of, the main reason i stopped making myself sick to be honest...

Yeah, so all in all, I have nothing in my life that i should be unhappy about... But something is missing and i'm not sure what it is. I know i sound really ungreatful for what i have already got, but i can't help but feel overwhelmingly lonely. I'm not sure if this is because I spend more time on my own now with work, but when i do my door to door sales i reall have to fake a smile and make mself build conversation with people.

Night time is the worse, or days like today (bank holiday) or weekends, where people go out with there families and partners etc, and I just feel like I have noone. . . and wonder whether i'd be forever on my own trying to lead a successful but very lonely life. :/

So, the last few weeks, my weight and food have been on my mind a lot more than usual. I am about 8 stone 12 today, and would love to be back at around 8 stone - 8 stone 3. I think it would help with my self confidence, and if i didn't eat as much i'd save money too. I've had about a dozen laxatives the last week, have almost purged, but didn't... however i feel like im on that downward spiral again.

I do want to lose weight, but not be miserable.

Financially I am very stressed at the minute, I have almost £3000 to pay off for overdrafts and my uncle. Some days i'm motivated to go and work and bring home the others, but a lot of the time i don't even want to get out of bed and face the world. In an ideal world, I would get up, ride the horse, so singing, go to the gym and have a money tree, but hey ho!

Right, enough of my blabba for tonight, but it has been a while since updated.

Note - I am now 8 stone 12 ... I will hopefully be a lot less when I next update. Hopefully going to join DW fitness club within the next week so I can start running again.

Sleep tight everyone

xXx

                                                                                                                    

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September 11th, 2014
10:11 pm

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busted
relived and mortified at the same time, my friend/boss laura has clicked on. had to go and see a doctor yesterday who said i have bulimia.. who knows?!

on a positive note i am 8 stone 4.5 lbs now. not too far to go  (although i have told a little white lie which is that "i'm happy how i am and don't want to lose any more" ) haha who am i fooling!

emotions running high at the minute.
Don't like being lonely, but when people intefer i just want the worldd to fuck off!

i'm such a bitch - i deserve to be hurting myself.

night x

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August 15th, 2014
10:49 pm

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my current song - also today i am 8 stone 13... 125 lbs
i think i have a problem
my problem's name is E.D
sometimes i think i'm fine
until these thoughts get in my head.
just have a little self control
put down your knife and fork
go, step on the scales
i think we need a little talk.
you've gained 2 lbs since yesterday
you unworthy fat shit
now stick your fingers down your throat
get rid of all of it.
if people ask you questions
just tell a pack of lies
don't let them know your lying though
make sure to look them in their eyes.

when the numbers are up the tears fall down
don't wish for it, work for it.

(that is all of my song on the spot for tonight)
(remember the words "self control" binge/ purge/ lax. the wrong side of the scale etc"scared incase people think im a freak! 'dont come to close or i will push you away, nbody who i care about ever does stay)

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July 20th, 2014
10:32 pm

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9 stone 1.5 (127.5 lbs) x
so, after realising i was a fat fuck the other week at 10 stone 1.5 LBS. !! ...(yes... shameful i know) i've done some serious dieting,
my daily intake consists of about 4 belvita biscuits, a freddo and some form of fruit. also a laxative each evening. if i eat a meal or food in the evening it is purged. also, a bit of running and riding has elped me along the way.
almost under 9 stone again... and when i get there i will NEVER reach 9 stone again!!How
ever i mustn't make myself il as i have my little horsey jack to think about xxx <3
WILL STAY STRONG AND WILL BE THIN!
X
1 STONE LOST IN 2 WEEKS... YEAH MANN

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July 12th, 2014
11:13 pm

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Emptiness is pure,
Starvation is the cure.
 <3 <3 <3
9 stone 9.5... will get there
"just a little bit stronger - best song"

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