So it's yet again been a while. since my last post i have worked for 5 months on a show jumping yard, where i now live - however it didn't really work out, so i've decided to make my handmade cards a full time business, and have also started making candles aswell. i'd say up until recently i'd been eating ok.. well not ok .. but chocolate and crap and being normal with it (no purging / exercising etc).
At the miute i shouldn't really be complaining. I live in a lovely place, with a lovely girl hannah next door who i get on really well with (unfortunately she's leaving in a few weeks to go travelling). Rent is quite cheap, my little bugger of a horse Jack is going well and we're going out jumping next week (feel like we're getting back on track after my loss of confidence last year).
I now have singing lessons and sing at a recording studio every week which i love every minute of, the main reason i stopped making myself sick to be honest...
Yeah, so all in all, I have nothing in my life that i should be unhappy about... But something is missing and i'm not sure what it is. I know i sound really ungreatful for what i have already got, but i can't help but feel overwhelmingly lonely. I'm not sure if this is because I spend more time on my own now with work, but when i do my door to door sales i reall have to fake a smile and make mself build conversation with people.
Night time is the worse, or days like today (bank holiday) or weekends, where people go out with there families and partners etc, and I just feel like I have noone. . . and wonder whether i'd be forever on my own trying to lead a successful but very lonely life. :/
So, the last few weeks, my weight and food have been on my mind a lot more than usual. I am about 8 stone 12 today, and would love to be back at around 8 stone - 8 stone 3. I think it would help with my self confidence, and if i didn't eat as much i'd save money too. I've had about a dozen laxatives the last week, have almost purged, but didn't... however i feel like im on that downward spiral again.
I do want to lose weight, but not be miserable.
Financially I am very stressed at the minute, I have almost £3000 to pay off for overdrafts and my uncle. Some days i'm motivated to go and work and bring home the others, but a lot of the time i don't even want to get out of bed and face the world. In an ideal world, I would get up, ride the horse, so singing, go to the gym and have a money tree, but hey ho!
Right, enough of my blabba for tonight, but it has been a while since updated.
Note - I am now 8 stone 12 ... I will hopefully be a lot less when I next update. Hopefully going to join DW fitness club within the next week so I can start running again.
Sleep tight everyone