control is all i need
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "ana_v_mia" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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08:50 am
[Link] |
RANDOM CHIT-CHAT! =D
I AM STARTING A FAST TODAY!
I'M LIKE 118 LBS!
ewww, i threw up yesterday accidently (kind of) whilst cleaning my teeth!
i had the biggest binge of a life time
NOW I'M READY!
bring on the hunger!!!
GOING HORSE RIDING LATER. OMG, I'VE RODE SO MANY NEW ONES LATELY. JUST FOR FUN, I'M GONNA WRITE THE NAMES OF ALL THE HORSES I'VE RIDDEN!
CAPTAIN, CHARLIE, SOLLY, BLUE, SKY, ZACK, SHELLY, STAR, SIAN, CLOUD, GUINESS (BIG), JAKE, ICE, MINSTREL, DUTCHESS, MOLLY, POPPY, SHADOW, ORKA = 19!!!
HIGHLIGHTED HORSES ARE NO LONGER WITH US!
RIGHT, THAT'S IT FOR NOW. BYE BYE X X X
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02:23 am
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REMEMBER!!
DaNcE sHoW iN aPriL = LoSe WeIgHt NoW!! fAtTy <3
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02:22 am
[Link] | currently at highest weight in a long time. not happy.
117-118 lbs :(
it stops now!
i'm outta control
help x
=[
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02:20 am
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02:10 pm
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lol
day 1 of fast went well.
broke yesterday on day 2 and had pizza and cheesecake. i dunno whats wrong with me. up until last week i'd never had a pizza or cheesecake in my whole life!!!
was suppose to start today but thought "as long as i'm not naughty it'll be ok"
i've had a sausage roll and a yorkie.
fuck this.
i don't even have an eating disorder. it's just bad habbits.
i'm gonna try and rid the therapist, don't need them i know all what they're telling me anyway.
eddie!
on my mind all the time. FUCK OFF!!!
anyways i'm rambling.
ciao x x x
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01:22 pm
[Link] | FUCK.
WAS 8.5 LBS LAST NIGHT! =0
SO... i MUST fast as of now for as long as possible.
if she can do it, so can i!
can't take being fat anymore!
so. . . FASTING DAY 1 =D
x x x
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12:45 pm
[Link] | 110 - 111 Lbs! whooo, gettin lower! :D
ill though ;/
think i experianced my first migraine this morning about 6:00 am!
was horridddddd
x
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09:54 pm
[Link] | me pissed with lulu :)
 ( collapsed at this point)
 
me and lulu on prom night
 
 
haha, more rolls than a bakery! xoxox
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12:15 am
[Link] | ahhhh. need to rid my rolls! x 111lbx
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05:38 pm
[Link] | thought i'd post some latest pics of me taken yesterday. i look extremely grotesque in all! lol x x x
( pics )
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11:25 am
[Link] | Bad morning.
i just want control again.
why is SHE perfect at everything. . . she gets everything she wants
she wants good grades - she get it
she wants to be skinny - she gets it STRAIGHT AWAY!
at the minute, i just wanna starve myself to geath, but i have no control over food anymore.
i feel ashamed to eat infront of her, and embarassed about what she thinks of me.
when she used to look at me as inspiration, . . to have a body like mine.
but now, she's so tiny.
i try, i really do, but i can't fight this anymore.
i wanna be perfect.
i know she's comparing herself to me now and laughing to herself.
her msn name is " comparisons are easy to make, once you've had a taste of perfection"
she looks to ana as a lifestyle, as something good. she loves it. all from being a WANNAREXIC
she doesn't realise that it's a living nightmare ( even though i now have bulimia instead). why would anyone wanna f*****g be anorexic?
well, i'm moaning too much so i'm off to maths
hopefully i'll cheer up later.
i wanna help her though, not just for her, so she can stop the gloating aswell, which is really horrid of me to say.
god i hate myself.
93lbs. . . i will be
x
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07:46 pm
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letter from ana
Letter From Ana:
Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you. In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely no where! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.
Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look....fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.
But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.
Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self control, you are going to get fat.
When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen? Who cares!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please. I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.
Sincerely,
Ana
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07:44 pm
[Link] | hmmm that hard core shıt ended for a whıle cause ı thought ı couldnt do ıt alone once my mate dıtched ıt all on me lol!
but ım back on my feet and havnt kept a meal down ın about 15 days. :) ım now about 106 lbs :)
cant waıt tıll ı start back at school. ı wıll be skınny!!!!!!!!!
x x
target 97!
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11:02 am
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HARD CORE HAS STARTED!
1ST JULY, 115LBS. X
WE'RE GONNA BE BONNNEHHHH :)
AIM TO BE AT LEAST 98 BY THE TIMEI START BACK IN SIXTH FORM!!!
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10:53 am
[Link] | NEED TO BE 112LBS BY 1st OF JULY!!!!
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09:55 pm
[Link] | 
x x x love solemon x x x
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09:54 pm
[Link] | SEEN THIS ON PRO ANA
JUST TO FALL BACK ON IF I REALLY DO NEED TO DIET QUICKLY.
Milk Diet
- You can lose 15lbs in 8 days!
- A lot of people did this diet and lost 15lbs exactly how said the diet!
- If you like milk.. lets go!
- Drink skin milk, or reduce cal milk, you know.
The diet is 8 days;
- Day 1; 6 cups of milk
- Day 2; 4 cups of milk + 2 fruits
- Day 3; 2 cups of milk + 2 fruits + cheese (how much you want.. but have control hehe)
- Day 4; 4 cups of milk + 1 fruit + 1 piece of some meat
- Day 5; 2 cups of milk + 2 fruit + 1 piece of some meat + 1 egg
- Day 6; 2 cups of milk + 1 fruit + 1 piece of some meat + 1 egg+ cheese
- Day 7; 3 cups of milk + 3 fruit
- Day 8; 2 cups of milk + 1 fruit + 1 piece of some meat + cheese
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12:49 pm
[Link] | it's been a while. not doing too well.
stressed out with exams coming up.
i've threw up twice today! i'm suppose to be stopping all this stuff so i can focus fully on passing my exams. but i don't know what came over me. the last time i threw up purposely though was on the france trip. . . . yeah, i know i shouldn't have, but noone knew so it was fine.
well, the patches dont work at all so instead of wearing one a day, i've decided to wear them all at once lol!
made my mate piss herdelf yesterday when i told her i had 16 on.
waste of money! :S
omg, it's weird though, cause i can now purge a bit, without even having to shove my fingers down my throat.
made me feel so discusting though after i did it, but oh well.
got rid of some calories i guess.
and now theres this girl, who did use to be over 9 stone, who has got to my weight now of like 8 and a half ( i know, discusting!) and it makes me feel so shit, that she can just lose weight easily, then theres me, the fat kid.
i'm sick of it. i cant take things anymore. i cant be doing with pretending for another minute.
well, thats my rant over.
ciao
x
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09:47 am
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I'm scared
I have a man about 35 basically telling me he's fallen in LOVE with me. this isn't right. what is it with me that attracts weird old men? if i'm thinner, they'll keep away! x
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09:30 am
[Link] | well i'm back from France, and i must say it was brill!!
lost 3 lbs whils i was there too but gained it back.
BUT NOW I HAVE weightloss patches!!! £40 !
they better damn work lol.
post later xx
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